Sawubona
“Sawubona”, a Perspectacle exploring the ways we see (or don’t see). Mixed media: Paper, watercolor, acrylics, pencil, commentary, tears
This progressive work follows a chapter of my grieving process from March 29 - April 11, 2011, as I mourned the loss of safety for our AAPI community amid the growing violence against us.
If you are navigating through grief of any kind, I offer these images as places of reflection for your own journey.
Reflecting the growing violence against the AAPI community, I cut two slashes through a painting that held the faintly lettered word, “safety”. The paper was ripped out of its sketchbook, then folded and smashed.
The paper scars became arcs above the flat surface, creating a fragile shelter.
More slashes were made all around, expressing feeling hemmed in by the possibility of harm. Would I be next? The paper scars piled up. The slashes destabilized the paper itself. The edge that held the page in the sketchbook was cut off - there would be no return to what was before.
There was something beckoning about the two small arcs. Why be limited to the flat plane of the paper? Why not build up into the space above it? The paper scars soon curved where they had once been flat, stood up instead of lying down, and became interconnected. A wholeness and joy emerged.
Was it possible to reach off the paper’s edge and touch into a new understanding of safety? Pain couldn’t be the end of the story. All things can be made new, so certainly this too could be transformed - ?
Snipping that section free, like a raft sailing right out of the sea of grief, I imagined being tiny enough to ride in its shelter and support, all built from scars. This felt like a joyful escape.
A hole remained. What would happen to this sea of grief? Surely it too could transform.
It has been profoundly healing to be seen and cared for in my grief. The remaining paper deconstructed and slowly became a Perspectacle* to explore that connection between seeing and grief. Commentary of thoughts I’ve heard and thoughts I’ve had lined the inside, for we see the world through what we think about it.
*Perspectacles are mixed media sculptures the size and shape of eyeglasses that explore the ways we see (or don’t see).
Stabilizing the scars with “stitches”.
Sometimes things are going along great and then something unexpected happens and snip! Back to stabilizing all over again (eye roll).
Sometimes we tie ourselves up in knots to be pleasing, to fit in, to not rock the boat. It usually benefits those in power, and we end up as caricatures of ourselves. We don't really get anywhere beyond being all knotted up, which is a cramped and contorted way to live.
This knot is the nosepiece because these contortions are often the most prominent part of our pain, even if we are the only ones who see it.
Each time someone else has seen me in my pain, it gets a little lighter. The Zulu greeting “Sawubona” means “I see you. And by seeing you, I bring you into being.” The common response is “Yebo sawubona.” - “I see you seeing me.” I doubt I will ever get used to living in this risky new reality. Being seen gives me strength to stand firm and walk tall in this world. May it be so for us all. Today, and every day.
Sawubona.